Thursday, July 10, 2014

Living in the country like a Boss in 8 simple steps

Maybe you're throwing away life in the city to become an organic farmer forrest hippy. Or maybe youre going to live in a bunker with 500 lbs of rice and beans. Maybe you're simply renting a house in the south of france for the summer. Here are 8 things you need to do if you will be spending any time in the country at all.

1. Grow a beard and get a dog

Nevermind that it grows in thin and patchy and never mind that you are female or allergic to dogs. Just keep trying. This is a crucial part of the process. You're going to have to deal with a lot of hard nosed country folk and they will respect you a lot more if you're sporting whiskers or at least giving  the impression that youre doing your best. Dogs are also respectable. A cat doesnt have the same charm  riding in the back of your pickup.

2. Get comfortable with spiders

And I mean big, hairy, bird eating, baby snatching, dont give f**k all spiders. They will jump on you, they will bite your neck. The up side is that when you stare death in the face every day you learn to truly appreciate life and all it has to offer. Every bite of food will be more delicious, every sound of music more delightful, every embrace more satisfying.  You will see every moment on this earth as a glorious gift from God and relish it as if it where the last.

3. Shoot guns and blow stuff up. 

I dont know what else to say here other than youre going to have more fun than might be legal. On a practical note, those spiders aren't going to shoot themselves.

4. Invite all your friends 

5. Uninvite all your friends

 It starts with little hints about building a tiny shelter on the back side of the property. They act like its a joke but the plan is much more sinister. Let them stay too long and before you know it you've got stacks of shipping containers running everywhere, clothes lines strung between them, the whole place smells like old fish and you're arguing with people you've never seen before who don't believe that you actually live there.

6. Start cutting down trees

If you own your property start a sustainable forestry practice.  "Sustainable" means youre not a giant logging company so you cant afford to lease public lands and clear-cut the sides of whole mountains. You can only afford to do "selective thinning". Unless you have critical habitat areas on your property. Wild critters are going to need somewhere to roam when the logging operations drive them out of the state parks.  Dont worry if your property tax goes up. Having a productive wood lot means extra income! You should still have a little money left over after the tax hike ....Maybe. Either way take some comfort in knowing the money goes to good causes like schools...And the roads those big logging companies use to get the trees out of the clear cuts.... Oh,  and the ditches on the side of the roads which help move mud slides onto your property. Confused? Dont worry, it will all make sense when you're dead. For now, just start writing checks.

7. Start digging ditches

Anywhere and in any direction. It doesnt matter. If you dont want your driveway to wash away in a mudslide, start digging. Just dont dig up your driveway, that sort of defeats the purpose. Your dog can be very helpful here. Dogs love to dig.

8. Learn to drive a tractor

DO NOT let the dog drive the tractor

1 comment:

  1. As an old back-to-mother-earth'er, I agree with all - except maybe the part about guns. Ah well, we can't agree on everything. :) Mom